so, it's the usual thing... i'm going over some files in this pc and found an interesting document. After I've read it, i guess i feel as if I'm going through the same thing again this year. This document was never meant to be made public but i guess that it would make interesting posting considering that it's all in the past and i'll have to edit out some things like names and details... aptly enough, the title of the document is...
Personal Notes of the General Manager and Executive Slave
July 4, 2003
In the almost two years of stay in this company, my life has twisted and turned in the frenzy of excitement, anticipation, apprehension, fear and all the other chopsuey emotion one can think of. In this very frenzy world of corporate theatre (well, that’s what I’d like to think), my life rotates around periods of severe ups and severe downs. Yesterday and today, amidst a physical dilemma (son of a bitch, my body hurts so bad, my ass seemingly has learned how to talk as it involuntarily convulses and pulsates) and personal problems, I had to respond to the position paper of former employees who filed a case with the Labor Department.
In the everyday operations of this theatre, with over 130 employees and the insurmountable task of facing most of the problems head on, I wonder to myself if it is justifiable or fair for myself to remain hush about my accomplishments and my contribution to this company vis-à-vis the amount of compensation and benefits I get.
Not that I want to broadcast this, it’s just that this company has taken over my life in totality. When I sit behind my desk in this office and I pounce on work documents, when I sit in the engineer’s booth of my home recording studio, all I do is work… I’m in the brink of losing the one good thing that ever happened to me… for what? For a company that can’t even provide me a decent personal computer, decent furnishings for my office, and yes, a nice desk wouldn’t be bad. But I wouldn’t want to sound like an ingrate. I do enjoy my work and the work that’s way beyond the call of duty. I am still able to do things I like with a little sacrifice on the amount of sleep and quality time with my loved ones.
July 5, 2003
Look at it this way. I have no complaints about the treatment I get in this office. In fact, my professional motto of “treat me right or pay me right” is more or less applicable here. The treatment is ok. The pay? Well, that one goes for the records. With the amount of responsibility I have in this company, double my present compensation wouldn’t even be close to the word “fair”. My question to myself, or maybe more for my superiors would be… “Do they have an idea what hell I go through everyday?”
When I started the management seminars for the company, I was so optimistic that in less than a year, I can turn things around by surrounding myself with competent and disciplined managers. I guess I was overly optimistic in reference to that.
Last July 1, 2003, I had a call from the office with the confusion over the new time schedule. God damn it, I had that memo ready a week in advance when one of the executives lost the document altogether. If I had been the one who lost the document, I would have been in deep shit.
My dream? To be surrounded by competence. The same amount of competence I’ve exhibited in the last two years in running this company. Unfortunately, my competence right now is in question as it steadily sinks into the mud hole of hopelessness. The pay wouldn’t be a question in my mind if I can rely on delegation assuming that I have the competent people I need, but I don’t.
I don’t even expect my vice president to fully understand what I go through. Bottom line, I feel that the term equality is nothing but lip service for now.
Rest would perhaps solve some of my problems but it is at the moment inconceivable considering I cannot guarantee that my managers can make the right decisions.
The really bad part of it is the fact that I am starting to dislike myself with the new personality that I am starting to develop. Some people may misinterpret it as arrogance or whatever, but the thing is I miss my old self. I want to be able to smile and laugh again from the heart. I want to make love without having office matters cross my thoughts. I want to finish the album I started two years ago before I joined this company. I want just compensation for my efforts. I want to get what I deserve!
July 6, 2003
Last night while having coffee at the coffee shop, I saw ________ sneak into the theatre like the slithering slime that he is. (note... we have already made up and apologized to each other and we are friends once again and looks at this episode with a laugh) I had him thrown out of the building because the Vice President would have freaked if he found out about it and the fact that he is not welcomed here anymore. I have been more than fair with him during his incumbency as Costume Designer. Today he sent me some very vindictive text messages, which I suppose I could add to my collection of fan mail. – Mwa ha ha!
I am tired. I am very tired. I am not happy anymore. The United Nations was better. I hated my Boss but I got compensated well. I had week ends, I had a life outside of work. My home studio is better. Sometimes I get shit pay, sometimes I hit an ore, but I am at home with my kid everyday. We could swim and play everyday.
I am tired. I am overworked. I am underpaid. I am burning out. It’s the perfect recipe for ending a career.
I have finally printed out my resignation letter. That means that in about a month’s time, I’d need to be able to secure a job. One that hopefully pays well and won’t freak me out.
July 9, 2003
I just came from the NLRC where I am respondent to _____ and ________’s case against this company for Constructive Dismissal. I was afflicted for the past two days with a flu virus and my body hurts like hell. The long drive to QC in the middle of the scourging sun isn’t a big help at all. (I did not have a car during those days, I'm a motorcycle guy)
Over what seemed like a weekend of being sick, I finally had the chance to recheck perspectives both that of mine, and my friends. I was told the following:
1. I do not think that the Koreans are expecting that you deliver as much as you do. Most of the pressures that you encounter now are mostly self-imposed pressures like deadlines and outputs. You have always been like this even with your previous employment, that is why at the back of your mind you expect adequate compensation or at the very least you expect recognition. When the time comes and you burn out, your tendency is to resign or quit.
2. I think that you take your job too seriously. Too serious that you tend to choose between it and your personal life.
3. I think that you demand too much of yourself and in the process your expectations and demands from others are as high.
In response to all these perspectives, what I can say are the following:
It is true that I have a certain standard that I bear in mind when I am on the job. However, I believe that it should not be taken against a person if his standards are higher than most people expect. If I may say so, I could deliver just the right amount of output and if need be, base it on the amount of compensation I receive. Therefore, I shall expect that I will have mediocre outputs. And in so doing I cannot expect non-mediocre outputs from everyone else therefore making myself a mediocre General Manager and Executive Director of a mediocre company.
In retrospect however, I believe that the company should not be so blind and insensitive as to the wants and desires of individuals who has striven for the last two years. Bottom line, I do not think that they are. It just so happens that the Vice-President’s “style” of management is the “Konti-konti” and “dahan-dahan” approach, which unfortunately also applies to me -- as if my loyalty and work is in question.
Today, the two Korean Executives went to my office to say that all personnel including themselves are reducing salaries this coming salary cycle. I feel more than irritated but I have made the simple option of staying or going.
August 18, 2003
It has been quite a while since I’ve written something on this log. It’s primarily because the most of the issues have been resolved. I had a drinking spree with the Vice President upon his return from Korea and I freaked with the issues I had at hand. The reply was fairly comical but true… we are all crazy and we all want to be successful but at what price? A week later I am promoted to Executive General Manager along with the promotion of the other Executive Staff where the company also provided additional benefits. Not so much though, but it is a start.
I had to eat a lot of my pride because I really did not like the idea of “griping” when it comes to compensation and I cannot be Machiavellian about it by saying that the end justifies the means. I still feel sore and I hope that they are as sore as I am for I wouldn’t want to go through this again.
October 19, 2003
After having spent about two weeks straight in Cebu last September (where I spent my birthday) and the trip to Leyte for a meeting with the Mayor and Samar with the Chairman and the President, all of a sudden I started feeling empty again. Perhaps it was related to having accomplished something big in Cebu and then being confronted by the same situations we have here in Manila.
The past few days were quite depressing knowing that the Manila office will soon be encountering a host of problems… November 1, pending salary increases, promotions etc. Last night, the other Executives asked me as to what my feelings were in relation to the up and coming November 1 dilemma. I honestly responded by saying that the date is an official public holiday and an important religious occasion for the Filipinos. It is unfortunate that the date will fall on a Saturday making it difficult to decide on whether or not to declare a 3-day holiday for the company.
The other executives decided to give November 2 as the holiday so that they may enjoy two consecutive rest days. However, knowing that most of the employees will most probably absent themselves on the 1st of November, they also decided that the salary for the end of October be given on November 1. Failure to get their salaries will mean that they can get their salaries on the 15th of November.
I was basically squirming out of my seat knowing that as the official deliverer of bad news, I will have to be ready for the inevitable. Considering that I am already apprehensive of the situation, I think that my facial expression and reaction has conveyed much of my feelings to the other executives, most specially the President.
It was at that point that the President baffled me with his words. He started commenting on how the Koreans are of no respect to the cultures and traditions of this country, and that as foreigners, they should all go back to Korea if they cannot respect the culture of this country. At that point, all I could mutter was “I do not understand…”, in reference to the conflicting statement of the President spaced between but a few seconds of time.
Finally, the President explained that that was how he personally felt but it was the other Koreans’ decision to pursue the November 1 issue. He said that it was stupid for the company’s top brass executives to be discussing about the issue in the first place since it is a legal holiday in the country. In the long run, the President explained that the cost benefit analysis of pushing employees to the limit is costlier if we lose the respect and the loyalty of the employees. He gave examples of theft, which has occurred in the company related to the salary cuts implemented during the SARS period.
At this point, given my total agreement with his sentiments, I interjected with a question… “Why don’t we just pay the employees 150% on the said date so that we can expedite the matter at hand?” At this point, the President pointed to all the executives except himself to make final the decisions including that of other matters that were raised during the discussion inclusive of the PA department’s salary increase, the Wardrobe ASM’s salary increase and Stanley Flores’ promotion.
It is at least a sigh of relief that I am finally given a bargaining chip and that I can at least have a fighting chance to remedy the situation. I will be setting the meeting on Tuesday so that we may finalize the decision on the matter.
Today, I will meet the Director Staff regarding the possibility of holding the Search for Amazing Beauty earlier.
--- after having read these things that i have written almost five years ago, and after finally learning a little about blogging... (thanks to a most special friend), I now feel a little better... I don't exactly know why, but I do.
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