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The measure of men

It has been my practice for the longest time to measure future peers, workmates, business partners on the terms and conditions that “invino veritas” implies. The state of drunkenness exposes a man’s persona and presents in all of its glory, the true character of a person.

That I guess is the reason as to why I always seek feedback from my childhood friend as to my behavior on nights of drunkenness. Speaking of which, ah… ok, I finally mustered enough energy, time and angst to finally blog again.

On the job…

I hate it here already. I don’t even know what the hell I’m still doing here but I am still here. I have my reasons just like everyone else. The state of nothingness has further deteriorated with the fact that the situation has made life a lot more unbearable. There is no moving forward, only backwards.

Am I burning out? Perhaps I am.

Anyway, I’ve already said time and time again that there is no more room for advancement in this organization and having accepted that a long time ago meant that I should not be feeling the way I feel now… but I do. And that’s the problem, if I don’t resolve this issue inside my head and heart, then should I just stress myself to death everyday? Should I just be complacent and happy with what I have? Should I believe that this is a passing thing?

Parables… because I can’t even pin-point what is wrong. Or maybe I can, there are just too many things right now that pisses me off that it might take the entire day to write about. I’ve got a free loader “friend” wannabe who is starting to get on my nerves; An employee that I don’t want to see because she’ll eat up a lot of my time on “trivial” concerns; Another one who seems just a tad unfit to manage given his penchant for nepotism and patronage; A senior manager who has over estimated his belief upon himself and his capabilities; and finally a business that won’t run as proper as it should because of all of the above.

The issue I guess is complacency or it could be “acceptance” of a fate that is imminent anyway. It has become the culture of this company and that very same culture I what ill put this organization in harm’s way.

My life…

We’ll have our second passing in the family very soon… after my father-in-law, my mother-in-law will follow soon. It’s a normal thing, like they say, no one gets out alive except that it happened with my parents way earlier than normal but I guess that everyone has a tragedy every once in a while --- no one is exempt.

The other night, I was just on a different mood swing and I was asked if I was angry. I said I am more jealous that anything else that my parents didn’t make it this far nor did I have the resources to finance a more comfortable passing. But in many ways, I must admit that my parent’s tragedy triggered my eagerness and desire to succeed and so goes my “chicken and the egg” paradigm.

My elder cousin commends me on my disposition in life, a packaging of some sorts wherein I seem to be unaffected by life’s daily hassles. I simply said that this is what I am and it is both a curse and a blessing.

My music…

After the exhilaration of having done a live performance last February for the homecoming and having proven to myself that at forty one I can still manage a full set, I am down to a most depressing state. I have not written a single piece of music for over a year. My last album was “paalam” which I have decided to keep to myself and listen to in the confines of my pc.

I want to write something… but the urge and the inspiration never comes anymore. My life has turned musically mundane over the last years that there isn’t a moment I’d felt I’d need to capture in music. It’s a pathetic feeling really. I am comforted by the fact that my livelihood is not dependent on it… not that I’m any good in it in the first place but nevertheless the situation makes me feel empty.

The HULK…

After watching the HULK in HBO, since I’ve never watched anything on a big screen or the longest time, sometimes I wish that I could just be unleashed. But then again, I’m not much into spandex.