My father-in-law has been in intensive care for the past ten days… his vitals stabilizing, then failing, stabilizing… much like a roller coaster ride in slow motion. He had to be rushed a week ago the same day my mother-in-law was supposedly to start her chemo treatment for a cancer earlier detected.
As mentioned in my earlier blog post, I am not as much affected by the event in an emotional way. Maybe because I do not consider a man’s passing as a tragedy if he has lived a full life and has witnessed enough beautiful memories to carry with him wherever it is we go to when we pass on.
Yesterday, after an almost successful attempt to allow him the opportunity to breath on his own by setting him free from the dreaded tube, his body gave way once more and the oxygen level drops rapidly prompting medical personnel to re-attach the tubes. It’s a fight I honestly think is not worth picking…
What I honestly feel now is a bit of envy and elation because my parents who passed on did not have the same fighting chance as my father-in-law. I did not have the resources to keep them in intensive care units and prolong their lives or in another perspective, their suffering because the doctors knew what I could and could not afford. I was already in debt with the hospital for the previous several confinements of my mom, so they only gave me options which were viable given the circumstances… just allow nature to take its course.
My father who died of aneurism would have lived to this day if only I was given the option to have him undergo a surgical procedure but that option was never given to me. Not because the doctors were incompetent but simply because they knew the financial cost was out of my reach. (It wasn’t until way later that I learned that the condition was correctible if you can afford such a procedure)
The very same medical practitioners have seen me struggle for my mom’s life the previous years before it was my dad’s turn… they have accepted so many promissory notes from me and have given me so much discounts on charges that I still feel grateful to them up to now.
So I do feel a bit envious that my wife is not in the same boat. There are three of them in the first place who can make decisions unlike me who was alone. There isn’t much financial consideration to affect the decisions unlike me who was broke. The age to which is the primary measure of one’s life span is ripe unlike my mom who passed away at 56 and my dad who followed at 63.
Elated I feel because at least I was young and naive at the time and that the choices given me were not only limited but it was simply a pep talk on acceptance of my parents’ fate. I think that I would have been overwhelmed by the choices had I been presented with such.
My father-in-law had lived a full life. Perhaps he did not accomplish all that he wanted or neither did he witness all that he wanted to see, but it is nevertheless a full life. If he sits up in bed any day soon then I would be as happy as I would ever be… but then again, the odds are quite slim… and then again, sometimes we have to let go…
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