The ghosts will always haunt us…

Like I’ve said a zillion times over, our ghosts will always haunt us no matter what. As a person, I’ve had my fair share of mistakes… non-mistakes… things I did perceive as mistakes or whatever things I did that might one day turn around and bite me in the ass. As a general rule, everything that we do,… good or bad will return one day like a boomerang and we ultimately get what we deserve.

Like a lot of people that I know, we may be a tad shy of some of the memories and recollections we and others might have of us in the past that we’ve shared. I remember having attended a reunion of our alma mater and one of my classmates from grade school asked if I still remembered myself taking a dump on my seat and he was the one who cleaned up my mess… of course, I remembered that incident! Who wouldn’t… but then again, I’d much rather forget.

I guess the best way to reinvent one self is simply refuse association with people from your past but I suppose that it seems inappropriate to hide… not unless you were a serial killer. But no matter what, like I’ve said; the past is like a ghost that ultimately catches up on you and it will haunt you one way or the other.

I am recently saddened and agitated by events that I have accidentally discovered and it pains me that I will make a decision sooner or later on the appropriate action to be taken. A lot of employees will lose their livelihood I suppose, but then again, the right thing must be done… examples must be set and that is how it is.

I guess like most of us, their past has caught up with them… and now they will have to face the consequences.

Likewise, today I face my ghosts…

Vision of fools

Jack Welch once said, “Willingness to change is strength, even if it means plunging part of the company into total confusion for a while”.

One afternoon, I attended an event of an association actively involved in tourism development in the country and had the wonderful opportunity to chat with some key players in the business. The comments I received made me feel a bit awkward as to their impressions of the company I represented so I had to dodge my way around the conversation. I had to explain that it is not within my core competency to do marketing for my company since we have, for the longest time nestled on our laurels hoping against hope that the present market share (or rather the past market share) we enjoyed would remain constant and undiminished.

It would have been easier I guess to point fingers at those who opposed my earlier preposition that our dependency on a particular market will lead to our demise but I chose to be careful on the choices of words I had to deliver, almost admitting fault altogether to what has transpired. It is a fact that indeed, one’s inability to affect change means that one is as much at fault as those really at fault.

I must admit that for quite some time, I have allowed mistakes to be made to effectively prove my points. I do admit that up to the present day, random thoughts of apathy has been allowed within our non-corporate environment simply because it is the prevailing culture at the moment.
But how could one fool such as I ever embark on a crusade of realizing a vision, if the direction is not even clear?

I was advised by a dear friend recently that I should start to think about my survival and that was all that mattered. I guess that it was on the premise that everyone else does… to get by, to survive, to hang on, to build tolerance, to endure, and so on and so forth.

My boss on the other hand on one on one conversation would rather put me up on a challenge and arouse me on thoughts of greatness and the future greatness of this company, although much of it doesn’t hold true when everyone else is around. I guess that the premise there is that he has to motivate a lot of us and therefore he does not want to take the risk of alienating the other executives.

On my part, I have been steadfast about what is real and what is not. What is probable and what is not. In the case of this company, eventually, the demise of the market will dictate the outcome of its leadership and the perhaps the revision of its vision.

I have no problems with taking risks, as Sam Zell was quoted; “The reality is that I need to be challenged and interested, as long as the risk and reward is in line”. The same holds true for many of the people I work with, but I guess that with the recent changes in the organization as well as the prevailing uncertainty of the structure, most would rather concentrate on survival.

Yesterday, the marketing team had an update meeting so that we can fast track the deadlines and the things needed to be done. With finality, I stressed the urgency to push through with the plans we’ve previously agreed upon but has not yet implemented… the new home page, the membership card system, the contents of the homepage, etc, etc… including the meeting with important people and associations in the industry.

I honestly think that the risks should remain calculated and therefore the strategies well planned. To be aggressive at this point would mean that we put the livelihood of our shareholders mostly our employees at risk and I am not up to that. If I had the “core competency” to get us out of this crisis, then perhaps “aggressive” would be my middle name but then again, I’d just keep my present middle name, “stressed”.

Rebuilding the Film Palace

the MANILA FILM CENTER

aerial views

The Manila Film Center, a grandiose structure inside the Cultural center Complex of the Philippines has been my professional home over the last seven years… I started working for this company as the musical director of the Amazing Show and had the first chance to re-enter this building October 10, 2001 for an ocular inspection. I remember the Film Center during my college days as the Experimental Cinema of the Philippines, a venue for budding and established local film makers and my last visit prior to 2001 was when I was a faculty at St. Scholastica’s when we had a film showing of “Cry Freedom” in 1989 I think… I remember holding hands with a co-faculty (she is now my wife) and that made the Film Center a most memorable place.

Little did I know that this building would someday be home to my dreams… and I guess home to some of my occasional nightmares, and by the latter I don’t mean the ghostly reputation of the building but rather my new-found professional life.

I loved the way Howie Severino describes the building in his blog; http://blogs.gmanews.tv/sidetrip/blog/?/archives/42-The-Manila-Film-Center-mystery-A-ghostly-place-or-an-urban-legend.html

The Manila Film Center, in a far corner of the Cultural
Center complex on Roxas Blvd., is probably the country's most infamous structure. Some would say it is cursed, although a Korean-owned company is currently making a flamboyant effort to rehabilitate its image with a transvestite Las Vegas-like act. Now housing the "Amazing Philippine Theatre," the massive building is patronized nightly by dozens of Korean honeymooners who pose in front of the kitschy Egyptian Pharoah figure above the doorway before entering to enjoy the performance by the "country's prettiest gays." Most of the couples are completely unaware of its ghostly reputation, if one doesn't consider Filipino males with long hairless legs as apparitions. But prettiest
gays or not, ordinary superstition-loving Filipinos have avoided the building
like SARS.

Even before it was finished in 1982, in time for the Manila International Film Festival, Imelda's film palace -- as others would call it -- suffered the first of its outrageous misfortunes. On November 17, 1981, during the pouring of cement, an upper floor collapsed, sending an untold number of workers hurtling into fresh cement or onto upright steel bars where they hung like barbeque (this was a witness's analogy, not mine) for hours until their bodies were retrieved. The story all this time, or at least as I and countless others believed it, was that Imelda immediately ordered the bodies in the cement to be paved over so that work could resume and her looming deadline met. News
about the tragedy was censored during the martial law era, so rumors and ghosts
filled the vacuum.

So in all honesty, the first time I saw the building, I said to myself that it wouldn’t be easy heading up a team for the preparation of set designs and set pieces for the Amazing Show since by that time, I was already music and art director. It was our task to make the set pieces for the show with all the 14 sequences and a hell of a lot of technical difficulties given that the theatre was never really designed for theatre.

In short, my team and I, as well as the engineering contractors practically lived in the building for the next three months without electricity, water or a decent comfort room. Slowly, we cleaned and renovated the building to get it ready for a December maiden presentation. There was this particular instance where the entire team boycotted works as apparently “something” or “someone” helped one of the crew carry a 12-foot ladder at the intermediate level. I simply said that they should have just been appreciative of the fact that the ghosts here are friendly and if I might add “familiar” with construction work. I guess that they didn’t find it funny… because I ended up with three other people brave enough to spend the rest of night at the Film Center as we hanged a 26-foot high back drop onto one of the battens.

Fast forward…

Upon the signing of the new lease of the building and with no investors whatsoever and with the amount of losses that we’ve suffered over the previous couple of years, we are still at it. Developing, renovating and improving the Manila Film Center. It is really a gargantuan task considering about 76,000 sq.m. of floor area, we’ve yet to cover half of the objective.

But work goes on, dreams remain and hopefully, much like the field of dreams… if we build it, they will come

.

the view from the ramp way of the main lobby

the hallway leading to my office during the APSS days and my office

reconstructing the ceiling of the upper floor and the stairway

Handling with care

I recently went out with an old college friend and colleague for dinner and a bit of reminiscing. I usually am not, since recently, been comfortable meeting up with people who knew me in the past since as I have mentioned a zillion times in this blog that I grew up poor, deprived, exceptionally unfortunate and griping constantly. Not that I would want to hide my past but it is in particular association with an experience a couple of years back with a friend from college who visited me in my office… to cut to the chase, as we decided to call it a night and went out on the parking area, his ride refuses to cooperate. I asked my best friend and my driver to assist him and we all went to his ride to check out what was wrong. Since it was drizzling that night, my ever alert security guard rushes over with an umbrella and I guess that that may have been the catalyst for what was to come… With the five of us standing around his car’s hood, he suddenly blurted out of nowhere “Alam nyo? Eh, bata ko lang yang Boss nyo dati nung nasa college kami. Ako ang boss niya noon…” I didn’t exactly know where that came from but I guess that I saw it coming…

Occasionally, there would be others as well with comments on how the hell did I get to where I am now. Comments like, “damn, I shouldn’t have gotten a PhD, look at Casie”, a quip like, “you get paid to drink?”, or a friend asking loudly “so how much are they giving you? 70?... 80?... a hundred???...”

For most of the people who knew me in my past life, and those of whom I’ve lost contact with while slaving away in the process of building this company, it may seem rather fascinatingly fast (of course in my perception, the last seven years was not exactly fast) . But for those who have seen this company work its way up from scratch, I get the opposite comment… (maybe they mostly knew what it took to get me here)

Going back to my opening statement, my old friend said loudly while I was playing the piano that I was compensating and I loudly replied that indeed I was. My entire life actually was well spent on efforts compensating for what I lacked or what I felt I lacked and that may have been the key to why I have gotten as far as I did.

A couple of days ago, I was asked by the chairman to speak to our scholars about the nature of the program as well as the benefits that would be had for both them and the company once the pilot program commences. As usual, I stated with the usual history of the company as well as my personal history with the company. Bottom line? No pain, no gain. Success will entail sacrifices and efforts. But most of all, it will entail the ability to recognize who and what we are. I have often said that everyday as I wake up, I recognize three things… one – I am short, two – I’m nowhere near the word handsome or attractive, and three – it is another day!

P.S.

To my Nanay... I love you and miss you very much. I hope you're not that disappointed as to what i have become... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Long time, no blog!

Yes it has been quite a while since I blogged except for the airsoft games that I have managed to edit for this blogspot. I guess that for a while getting shot at and shooting co-players became my therapy… and it was a good therapy given that it will probably spawn a new business venture for the corporation. Yup, the game that gave me “sanity” for quite sometime will become a minor business for us. Although I honestly doubt the earning potential of the business, there is the possibility that given the proper perspective and perhaps good people that will manage it, it could turn into something fruitful.

Someone once told me that I have a lot to be thankful for and I agreed. Indeed, I never thought that I would be where I am right now… or to the best of my knowledge no one ever did. Despite my constant raving and ranting about how things ought to be or how much I hated where I am, if I’d count my blessings based on the privileges I have, then indeed I am blessed. Of course, I wouldn’t want to simplify things as such or I’d probably end up being happy and content and therefore… mediocre. That would be a crime.

By September, my godson will be opening the second of its kind “screen golf” in the country or virtual golf. It’s right below my promenade office so I’d have access to a virtual 18-hole golf game perhaps anytime the facility is available. Whooaaa! That would be like a heavenly perk… In a month or so, I’d probably open an airsoft CQB (close quarter battle) facility under the building and would hope to attract airsoft enthusiasts from all over… double whoooaaa… I’d probably enjoy making videos of skirmishes between teams.

Within the year, I am hoping that we will be given the opportunity to attract more locators and investors into the building so that we will continue to exist as a business entity given that we are in the red as of the moment.

But I tend not to worry too much these days… last night, I had dinner with a long time friend and a father figure who is well accomplished in life and he mentioned that I looked less-haggard compared to the last time we’ve seen each other. I simply replied that it does not mean that I’ve ran out of gripes… I simply decided to lay low on gripes for the meantime… conserve my energies on more worthwhile things and simply enjoy the small pockets of happiness afforded to me by life.

P.S.

If I were to gripe?.. I’d gripe about the fact that I have a busted
up rib after being pushed into the pool last Monday by a drunken fellow
executive who humiliated himself in front of many employees the entire
anniversary celebrations. What a f#&@*$ up piece of work.

My new staff that had a giant zest for reforms?... He went back
into his bad old ways…. It was the case of a short-lived zest.

What keeps me from griping this week? – all marketing activities were
approved by the Chairman… it’s a go! Time to level the playing field… it’ll entail more work, more time, more effort… but at least it’ll give this company a chance for a longer lease on life.

The new projects in Boracay island is a go and on the way, except for a
few glitches which I’ll have to iron out.

airsoft crazy!

my therapy! shoot and get shot at.

sick and tired?

sounds like an opening question for a vitamin supplement ad doesn't it?

i suppose that life isn't really meant to be as joyous as joy would go. i haven't blogged for the longest time perhaps because the feelings that linger in my heart right now is something that i wouldn't want to be as transparent as this blogspot was designed to be. but then again, if i wouldn't want to write about it then it defeats the purpose of this blogspot being my therapy.

over the last few weeks, i've done nothing much but feel myself spiraling downwards in a never ending pit of hopelessness over what to do with what i have and how to get what i want and how to do what needs to be done. -- damn, sounds like a perfect dilemma for a perfect screw up.

one of my managers came to my office the other day to discuss his vision about what the company is to be like... i was impressed... with such motivation, with such zest and gusto... i had it before but i've lost a lot of it because of the amount of chronic disappointments i've had over the past year.

i really just wanted to say, ... been there, done that, tried it, proposed it and it was turned down... but i wouldn't want to kill zest like that because i was impressed with the renewed attitude.

anyway, i'll need to shake off this rotten feeling to the core thing out of my system as soon as possible if i want to survive this career. problem is... do i even want to remain in this career? Time and again, i have already proven that kibun is too powerful an element to overcome in a korean company. and i guess that such is life... really!

for now, i guess that i'll have to seek other forms of therapy for my soul.